You may not know this about me but I do a lot of reflecting. I am often reflecting on past mistakes, things I've said, things I've done wondering why I did what I did.

One in particular stands out to me as one of my biggest I've ever made and one I'll never repeat. The funny thing (if you can even call it that) is that it wasn't until years later that I had even realized I had made a mistake.

I dated this awesome girl for over 2 years. We had tons of fun together, lived together for most of it and seemed to click on every level. Thinking back on it now I don't really remember us having many problems. Of course this story is all from my point of view, maybe she'll tell you differently. I don't share this often and I doubt she even knows it but about a month before we broke up I had started thinking about how I was going to propose to her, that's how serious about the relationship I was.

So what was my mistake?

I realized that most, if not all, of our relationship was based on fun. We never really got deep. We never got intimate (at least in a deep mental kind way), and I never asked her the one question that became my biggest mistake. What was that question?


Maybe I had always thought it was her job to let me know. Or maybe I was scared to ask this most basic question. Maybe I was scared to ask because I hadn't yet answered this question for myself. I can't tell you why it scared me so much thinking back on it now.

But isn't that our job, as a significant other, to make the other person happy? To help them or at the very least support them in their life's happiness? Isn't that one of the fundamental duties of a significant other?
You see I never did that. I think I was pretty sweet. One time I remember buying over 100 of those little tea light candles setting them all up around the apartment for either a birthday or valentines day and surprising her with a dinner, flowers, etc. Not sure how I kept them all lit and didn't burn down the apartment but I managed. But in my mind this is all the "day to day" workings of a relationship, it's not the deep stuff - the stuff that lasts.

The point is if you're having trouble in a relationship have you asked your partner this question? Have they asked you? Do you even know what your own answer is? 

GUYS: If you really like the girl don't make my same mistake. If this is a woman you want to keep for a long time, get on this RIGHT AWAY. She'll likely be shy at first and maybe even give a generic answer but dig in and don't let her get away with it. Find out what she truly wants and then figure out a way you can support her. Then never quit. Most important take ACTION, show her you care, don't just say it.

GIRLS: You're not off the hook. I've found in general the 'feminine type' is already supportive and often at times at her own happinesses expense. And although the 'old fashioned' relationship dynamic generally features the man's career as taking precedent don't forget about your own needs, whatever they might be. Guys seem to be programmed pretty well at going for their professional goals. That being said it doesn't mean we don't need support. We are in a constant flux of self doubt (although you'll never see it) so let us know we're doing well.

To be honest I'm not sure why I share this story/ lesson/ advice with you now. Maybe to get it off my chest? Maybe to forgive myself. Or maybe to just pass on my story so if you're in a relationship like I was you don't make the same mistake. Either way I hope this blog has helped you in some way, large or small. Thanks for listening.

- Jimmie